…But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you’ve got going on at home – that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying.

Yes, motivated kids are a threat to democracy and the cleanliness of the school’s restrooms. There is a solution to this problem, one that should assuage the concerns of “crazy parents” and school bureaucrats alike.

The real guy. Pay no attention.

Meet animatronic Eisenhower, or A-IKE. He’s a president from a simpler time, when you knew what to count on. The communists were pure evil. Cars had fins. Eisenhower fought in the Great War, and no one questioned his military record. Even better, he looks reassuringly like someone’s granddad, if your granddad happens to be balding and caucasian.

The best thing is this: the Animatronic Eisenhower can be programmed to say whatever you want him to say. So, if you want A-IKE to tell everybody when the audio-visual club meeting is, he’s at your service. Over the closed-circuit TV at your school, A-IKE looks surprisingly lifelike.**

** A-IKE, owing to his original design, may start talking about the National Interstate Highway System. This is clearly socialism. Shut A-IKE down if this occurs. Worse, A-IKE may, without prompting from you, begin to go on at length about something called the “Military Industrial Complex.” Again, shut down A-IKE down if this occurs. A-IKE is proudly made in the Peoples Republic of China.

Senator:

Please don’t give up on the Public Option! Until the health insurance industry gets true competition from a Public Option, that industry will continue to take unfair advantage of those who must use its services.

A well-designed Public Option will cover many who do not have health insurance today. Senator, you and I know why so many americans are not covered: it’s because the health insurance companies are not run as vehicles for keeping people well or healing the sick. Simply put, these companies are vehicles for profit.

The business of America is business, but not at any cost, and certainly not at the expense of any basic human need.

Best Regards,

Chris Wiley

More crap from the Minnesota Republicans. To paraphrase a Mitch Hedberg joke, getting this stuff in the mail is like someone saying to you, “Here—throw this away.”

ABC, the network that only this week returned to writer-driven programing, solved this problem recently by casting a democratic national debate as one of the worst reality television shows ever conceived. Sadly, by the account of Tom Shales, columnist for the Washington Post, ABC’s George Stephanopoulos and Charlie Gibson gave “shoddy, despicable performances” as the debate hosts.

Admittedly, the problems for a TV network trying to one-up Survivor with the inherently boring TV debate format are readily apparent. After all, what do you get in a presidential debate? Some podiums? People dressed nicely answering questions about issues and ideas? Issues and ideas? You’re kidding, right? This is where ABC apparently thought “shoddy and despicable” could really work in favor of the network. In the blink of an eye, issues and ideas turned into lapel pins.

Really, ABC? It ought to be obvious that for reality television, you need props. You need carefully engineered physical challenges. You need colorful flags with tribe names printed on them that will be raised when puzzle pieces are put together. Or, you need people singing in a “pitchy” manner, say 42 cents sharp or flat, depending on the key or range. Plus, you need real reality hosts. They should be able to say things like, “immunity, back up for grabs” over and over again without any hint of irony. Typically, the hosts should “have issues,” not talk about them. Glassy-eyed hosts that may or not be on a lot of pain killer are also a viable option.

As for the presidential candidates themselves, they did not just bump off the turnip truck yesterday. Down to a person, they all know that exciting, dramatic things are more exciting than non-exciting non-dramatic things. Here, Obama is the lucky (and skilled and talented) one. Just take in one of his speeches. Hillary Clinton—no lightweight either—tries to think up something exciting about herself every day, and so out of the Hollywood-Back-Lot-of-Her-Mind comes sniper fire.

Yes, all the world’s become a reality show, and all the men and women merely one episode from being voted off. But as John McCain might put it, “Remember my friends and constituents, this “reality” is the Real Reality, and canceling the show is not an option. When voting in the race for those in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Banana, remember to harness the awesome power of the american people’s brain.”

Halloween is unquestionably a big deal here in the USA. By “big deal,” I mean that this “spooky day” is reserved as an opportunity for certain commercial interests to sell lots of Halloween junk to the unsuspecting public. Halloween isn’t really scary. Selling junk isn’t scary—it’s the American Way, particularly when that junk is made in China.

But despite rampant commercialism ruining the true meaning of Halloween, certain simple rituals persist, like pumpkin carving.

About four years ago, the secret labs at Commander Trombone carved a pumpkin in the likeness of Dick Cheney. Also about four years ago, an American presidential election happened. Coincidence? You decide.

During one of the 2004 vice presidential debates on television, John Edwards, then the democratic vice-presidential candidate, gave what I thought was a sound answer to a question. Although I confess I can’t remember the content of the question, what really stuck in my memory was Dick Cheney’s response: “There are so many inaccuracies [in John Edward’s answer] it’s hard to know where to begin.”

There are so many inaccuracies it’s hard to know where to begin.” As a debating tactic, it’s brilliant. Without really refuting any actual fact, you’ve refuted everything. The comment says, “No need to think further. Everything that man said is false.”

Today, you don’t need to think too hard to realize that the phrase “There are so many inaccuracies it’s hard to know where to begin” is fraught with lots of unintentional irony when applied to many of Mr. Cheney’s statements before, during, and after the 2004 election, particularly in regard to the war in Iraq.

Fear, though, is Mr. Cheney’s real stock and trade. It’s the kind of blind and unreasoning fear that says “We’ll get hit again” if the electorate elects the wrong politcian. On the other hand, it’s a “don’t-think-too-hard,” fear that has the cheap, plastic smell of a Halloween mask. Is it any wonder that Commander Trombone retrieves the vice president’s pumpkin likeness out of digital photo cold storage each year for Halloween?