The Saints Ticket

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The Saints finished pummeling Fort Worth 9-3, then the real fireworks began:

(click movie to play)

ABC, the network that only this week returned to writer-driven programing, solved this problem recently by casting a democratic national debate as one of the worst reality television shows ever conceived. Sadly, by the account of Tom Shales, columnist for the Washington Post, ABC’s George Stephanopoulos and Charlie Gibson gave “shoddy, despicable performances” as the debate hosts.

Admittedly, the problems for a TV network trying to one-up Survivor with the inherently boring TV debate format are readily apparent. After all, what do you get in a presidential debate? Some podiums? People dressed nicely answering questions about issues and ideas? Issues and ideas? You’re kidding, right? This is where ABC apparently thought “shoddy and despicable” could really work in favor of the network. In the blink of an eye, issues and ideas turned into lapel pins.

Really, ABC? It ought to be obvious that for reality television, you need props. You need carefully engineered physical challenges. You need colorful flags with tribe names printed on them that will be raised when puzzle pieces are put together. Or, you need people singing in a “pitchy” manner, say 42 cents sharp or flat, depending on the key or range. Plus, you need real reality hosts. They should be able to say things like, “immunity, back up for grabs” over and over again without any hint of irony. Typically, the hosts should “have issues,” not talk about them. Glassy-eyed hosts that may or not be on a lot of pain killer are also a viable option.

As for the presidential candidates themselves, they did not just bump off the turnip truck yesterday. Down to a person, they all know that exciting, dramatic things are more exciting than non-exciting non-dramatic things. Here, Obama is the lucky (and skilled and talented) one. Just take in one of his speeches. Hillary Clinton—no lightweight either—tries to think up something exciting about herself every day, and so out of the Hollywood-Back-Lot-of-Her-Mind comes sniper fire.

Yes, all the world’s become a reality show, and all the men and women merely one episode from being voted off. But as John McCain might put it, “Remember my friends and constituents, this “reality” is the Real Reality, and canceling the show is not an option. When voting in the race for those in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Banana, remember to harness the awesome power of the american people’s brain.”

Anyway, what’s the Commander been doing recently? Well, he’s been writing about himself in the third person, and if that isn’t annoying enough, he’s committed a Hillary Clinton 3 A.M. ad parody. Not a very good Hillary Clinton 3 A.M. ad parody, mind you. See here.

Back soon…

There’s also a version of Jay and Kai playing It’s All Right With Me with a rhythm section that includes Tommy Flanagan on piano and Roy Haynes on drums. On what seems to be the same occasion, Dexter Gordon and Clark Terry join for I’ll Remember April, and Milestones. There are a few awkward Lost in Translation moments during the show as the musicians smile and “play along” with whatever is being said by the show hosts.

In the last post last month, I was forced to back pedal about the proper ways to celebrate the holidays. In this particular post, I’ll be back pedaling about refering to Minnesota as the “Quasi-Frozen,” or “Tepid North.” In point of fact, nothing could be further from the truth. It’s actually been quite cold here in Minnesota. How cold? Well, beers placed in the outside planter become icy-cold much more quickly than in either the standard refrigerator or freezer. When walking outside, old men with long flowing beards can be heard to mutter, “It’s all cold up in here,” right before boarding the number 4 bus to go downtown.

You may be wondering exactly why there hasn’t been a load of updates here recently. Well, I’ve been distracted by a variety of people, things, and shiny objects, including a new trombone. The trombone was very well made by the faithful workers at the SE Shires Shop in Hopedale, Massachusetts.

While it’s a great trombone, one thing in particular was not perfect. A nickel lead-pipe (one of three removable lead pipes) I took with me from the shop turned out to be not entirely straight, throwing the upper tube of the inner slide out of alignment. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this immediately and thought that I had “sprung” the slide myself somehow while transporting the trombone home.

Back in Minneapolis, I took the slide to an extremely competent repairman I know. He put the slide right with the offending lead-pipe still in. Guess what happened when I removed the nickel lead-pipe and replaced it with another later? The slide went out of alignment again! It was then that I realized what had happened. Back to the extremely competent repair guy. He put slide right again, and was also able straighten the nickel lead-pipe, which wasn’t necessarily an easy feat. Yes, the lead-pipe should have been straight to begin with, but the general disorder of the universe argues against easy perfection in all cases.

Anyhow, after that (and some other small events that made me wonder if I had been cursed by a shaman for accidentally cutting him off in traffic or something) the slide works perfectly…

OK, so I know all that stuff I said about holidays and enjoying the holidays, and avoiding the holidays, and etc., but none of that happened, possibly except for the enjoying part, which somehow happened anyway.

What else, you might ask, did I manage not to avoid? Well, in the above picture, you can see the rough-housing nephew. With the nephew, I did lots of throwing around of an exercise ball. Alternately, and for the entertainment of the nephew, I pretended to be sisyphus, pushing an exercise ball up to nowheresville and falling back down again. In the process, I think I herniated the sisyphus disc. Funny thing about the sisyphus: the nephew had never heard of sisyphus. Seriously kid! You’re 7 years old! It’s time you heard of sisyphus, and what a sisyphean task it apparently is to keep you entertained with an exercise ball, despite the presence of a nintendo Wii!

Don’t get me wrong—I’m very fond of the nephew, but it was relief to get back to Minneapolis, MN. Minneapolis, as you may not know, is now known as the “quasi-frozen” or “tepid north,” and also the home of underground flamenco music.

Happy New Year.

The holidays are upon us, and this means the usual mixture of travel, panic, and general dissatisfaction brought on by unreal expectations of Nintendo Wii availability. It’s sad, really, that the “holidays” may have been holding you hostage for some time, but do not fall prey to Stockholm Syndrome! Remember, you can break free of the insidious holiday cycle, and it’s easier and cheaper than you may have imagined.

Try any one of the following:

• Celebrate The Holiday In Question

  In this scenario, there is limited emphasis on preparation, and more emphasis on celebration. Do not drink to excess unless you are in for the duration, however.

• Try Festivus

  It’s the new holiday everyone’s is talking about, requiring only an investment in a metal pole, if that. The patron saint is Jerry Stiller; Festivus features “feats of strength” and the “airing of greviences.” More information is available in the Festivus Wikipedia article. There’s also a website and book. Seriously, you can celebrate the birth of The Savior any time.

• Opt Out Entirely

  As demonstrated by many people over the years, this is a completely viable option that can involve “disappearing” into a small “wood shack” just off rt 10.

Anyway, with writers striking and late-night television comedy affected first, it’s time for the many content creators of the web to take up the slack and fill in the void. Below is a little creation Commander Trombone likes to call “Carol Channing Reads the News Crawl for CNN,” and it may be an indication that the strike should be concluded as soon as possible.

Click Movie to Start Play. (Note that it’s not really Carol Channing reading the CNN News Crawl.)

Halloween is unquestionably a big deal here in the USA. By “big deal,” I mean that this “spooky day” is reserved as an opportunity for certain commercial interests to sell lots of Halloween junk to the unsuspecting public. Halloween isn’t really scary. Selling junk isn’t scary—it’s the American Way, particularly when that junk is made in China.

But despite rampant commercialism ruining the true meaning of Halloween, certain simple rituals persist, like pumpkin carving.

About four years ago, the secret labs at Commander Trombone carved a pumpkin in the likeness of Dick Cheney. Also about four years ago, an American presidential election happened. Coincidence? You decide.

During one of the 2004 vice presidential debates on television, John Edwards, then the democratic vice-presidential candidate, gave what I thought was a sound answer to a question. Although I confess I can’t remember the content of the question, what really stuck in my memory was Dick Cheney’s response: “There are so many inaccuracies [in John Edward’s answer] it’s hard to know where to begin.”

There are so many inaccuracies it’s hard to know where to begin.” As a debating tactic, it’s brilliant. Without really refuting any actual fact, you’ve refuted everything. The comment says, “No need to think further. Everything that man said is false.”

Today, you don’t need to think too hard to realize that the phrase “There are so many inaccuracies it’s hard to know where to begin” is fraught with lots of unintentional irony when applied to many of Mr. Cheney’s statements before, during, and after the 2004 election, particularly in regard to the war in Iraq.

Fear, though, is Mr. Cheney’s real stock and trade. It’s the kind of blind and unreasoning fear that says “We’ll get hit again” if the electorate elects the wrong politcian. On the other hand, it’s a “don’t-think-too-hard,” fear that has the cheap, plastic smell of a Halloween mask. Is it any wonder that Commander Trombone retrieves the vice president’s pumpkin likeness out of digital photo cold storage each year for Halloween?